So I began to cut them all out of my life one by one, and it felt so good. have a few disabilities that Ive had for yeas, no doubt the result of N abuse and neglect during childhood. Wishing them dead. First time Ever! Material objects from her house? You can revive yourself and rediscover and renew your real self. Had him move in, paid all his bills, took him to all Dr. appts. My grandparents stepped in and gave me a lot of emotional support. Even the friend he abused is STILL taking care of him even we found him an apartment and a bunch o people are paying for it together. Uplifted is the word I guess. He put me through that shit just to make his own image look better. He sounds like a reasonable man who understands whats what. Anyway, I found a way out and I have hope for myself. Have you heard anything more ridiculous? Narcissists move adroitly to their goalsnever stopping to help anyone but themselves. A few months later I realized that my acid reflux was gone. Ill bet daddy spanks you, doesnt he? I didnt begin to wish my mother gone until I,started to hating the golden child thing. Her screaming, abusive rants on the phone leave me blubbering and non-functional for days. A N with your children should ALWAYS be supervised. Jun 17, 2021 Image by LightFieldStudios via Envato by: E.B. Imagine, my mother had a child with a lowlife, deadbeat and I am paying child support. This leaves you with few people to rely on, talk to, and gain understanding. Life is too short. This happened a year after my enmeshed F died. Parents often have no idea of the collateral damage their divorce visits upon their children. The stress from him, from the lockdown, from all of it. God, guess I could write a book, a very long book, but I am trapped again in the orbit of the torturer in chief. He knew what she was and did nothing to protect me. I now own that power and control. It may be lonely, but it's a part of this mature season. You are too old to use pull-ups! Absolute narcissists are one-trick phonies. If you are married to a narcissist and becomeill, they will replace you with someone else. Comment: From Sandra In Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Its kind of weird but I never pieced all this together and understood I was dealing with a Narcissist ma and all but invisible to those who have not been on the receiving end of it. After I escaped 24 years ago, 7 years ago I had a lapse in memory. makes me so sad. So, l dont care how l wind up, where lm living, if l can pay my next electric bill.as long as lm peaceful. I dont wish my mother dead, but I wish she would stop and leave me alone. Repressed rage saps your mental and emotional energy. Just as an end note here, I was struggling earlier to try and find the right description for how I feel. please excuse the long post. He finally changed his will leaving me as executrix and immediate POA. But, it is a very individual decision and should be made after recovery steps are taken and embraced. Glowing sympathy notes! The Narcissist's Airtight Victim Narrative, What Happens When a Narcissist Becomes Unhappy, 5 Tips for Coping with a Narcissistic Family Member, Why Narcissists Make Truthful Reconciliation Impossible, 4 Ways a Narcissist May Manipulate the Emotionally Intelligent, Three Ways Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners. It might make sense for other people and I would be to blame, but they don't know him. Credit: iStock. 9) Know that the dysfunction that your N parent caused in your life, they will cause the same dysfunction in the life of your child that will last until they confront it and work through it. He is poison that I cannot take in my bloodstream anymore. Such self absorbed people it is unbelievable. Comment: From Gabrielle This may cause decisions that don't feel right in the end. I feel exactly the same regarding my husbands narc family. The soul searching begins. It was like being alone on the ocean running out of steam, breath, and the will to live and thenalong bobs a life raft!! This means that internal recovery work must be done first. You may even find it hard to be taken care of by someone you love. Dont let them suck you back into their vortex. I do still get to listen to them about their day, and Im so grateful to have that. Responsibility? I'm not gonna lie, this hit me really fucking hard. She still talked shit about me to my own boyfriend ( her grandson) and vice versa. I did help her. Could never seem to please my mom, so tried it the second time around with a man. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.Every good wish and thought goes to you in your determination to live the life which is yours by right and to enjoy every single moment which you have struggle and survived to have. I was naturally very sick in my teenage life and twenties. There was nothing inappropriate in it. Dont wait for her to die to get your freedom, or you may end up too ill to enjoy it! Are There Age or Gender Differences in Narcissism? She denied this of course and left me for dead NC for a decade before I saw or spoke with her. I still wish she could find true happiness and know she never will. F wants to act sick on purpose to spite MNM. I went No Contact and its the best decision I ever made. t which is code for shes found a new boyfriend, whos living in her house, of course. They hated one another more than they loved their children, clearly. And it matters whether you were a boy or a girl. My mother drove the wedges in deep between all her children. It took awhile to boot this guy out of my home. He has definitely helped me here and there but for the most part I have taking care of myself since the day I landed. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Here are some more signs explained ( 2 ). I said the older one has murder in her heart. I still don't want to see him. use to diagnose folks. i remember being a little kid that couldnt even reach the sink yet, wishing he would just drop dead. One is your value system and the other is your stage of recovery. Its true Vampires dont die! Then GC died. A narcissistic father may ruthlessly bully or compete with his son in games, even when the boy is a less-capable child. We are here. Write me out of the will? I am so physically ill that I am headed toward permanent disease. My mother continues to spew off horrible and hateful comments when unnecessary and embarrassing to family, acquaintances and complete strangers alike. Only sorry I didnt give it up 30 years earlier because even visits were tough and I tried so hard to make things good. i hate them all and wish nothing but unending torturous pain on all of them for eternity, because that is what they deserve. So I am waiting, but I will have given up far too much in exchange for what little will be left. I feel guilty that I feel no compassion for her. Id rather own my own life then wait around in misery till the person dies so I can forever be in their debt. I own my own home, I have everything I need, Im not beholding to anyone and have Never been happier and am at peace. But things get easier with each passing day. advertisement. I noticed a huge difference between her female & male children. Now his friends call my family and ask them to convince me to visit him before it's too late. Your spouse or partner may feel just as scared by your cancer as you do. I swear shes gets her strength from the emotional vampiring off me and my dad. I have to say I spent the best 17 years of my life with low contact, not understanding that was but my fight or flight response to the recurring torture from this woman. I was to blame, too, because my MNM HATES my husband and I broke my Fs heart and they didnt get to see their grandchild often enough. Decision makers? Thank you. I have never seen the likes of such a wicked witch in my whole life! Then he would ask me to lie for him to those same people because "he built himself an image and I can't ruin it for him". Funeral next but I will. As long as I know his friends are caring for him I am staying away, for my own mental health. Instead of death now I would like to see her helpless to communicate via a stroke. I learned about NPD when I was 46 years old. Amazing and grateful thanks to you all for sharing! You guys! my poor Mom has been destroyed by him.He makes me ill all the time. I thought you were a big [boy/girl], but I guess youre still a BABY!. He claimed that the cancer in his liver multiple times, told people he only has 2 months to live multiple times, made up conversations with doctors that never happened. You just met The One or maybe a shady character. His delayed intervention on my behalf now seems to be a chance for him to spin the circumstances towards that end. Being written out didnt bother me. She cannot and will not open her mind up to another view that differs from her own. Thats when the crosshairs turned to me. She has changed her will 3 times in the last 4 years, back and forth, and my father has gone along up until this week. I do not miss her one bit. He was admitted to the hospital the following day and I refuse to go see him. I was the Golden Child, and bore the abuse until last year my chronological age: 36 1/2-years-old at that time, when I went no contact.. Lucky for me he created himself an amazing group of friends who help so much so when things get really bad it's not all on me. She hates me, and makes sure I know it, she constantly speaks badly of me, and Im there caring for her! I JUST changed you! Not just her but myself as well anything to get away from her. 4) On the flip side, beware of a child bearing gifts every time they come from a visit to the N. They are being GROOMED. and is heading to Texas. I had a liver transplant in 2011 after 20+ yrs of viral liver disease. Thats the blessing. Her own mother (my grandmother) told me that she herself only found peace after her own mother died when she was 50. He dreams of having power and control. I want to start by saying that my experience growing up was wonderful thanks to my mom and my uncle. My doctors advised against flying and were working out what meds I should be on, and thought it was a really bad idea to put myself in the most stressful, emotional situation possible. Unfortunately, the transplant was unsuccessful due to what I believe was a tissue typing or surgical error. But the healing is better. Hear hear I have heard and read too many stories of people who have been down this treacherous road. Your expression bound by the bricks she piled on top of my entire life hits the nail on the head I understand. Fastest rising manager in Dominos Pizza history at 18, Asst. All we want is to be free from them. She wears a mask and I hide it well. Every day I hope she dies, so she is gone for good, literally. I heard this at the age of 21. My father, claiming to be acting on my behalf, is NOW talking with doctors re my care; however, as is true of NPD, it seems that all my life he has set out to prove me to be fraudulent and a liar. I printed them off! Criticizing their one trick will inevitably make them confirm the accusation. I do the best I can but have not been able to fully support myself full-time work-wise though I can part-time. I know many people who had to make a decision to completely separate from their family of origin and for good reason. Then he spends 30 minutes on the phone with me telling me he wants to kill himself and life isn't worth it. She finally became ill and we had hospice in, full time for 8 days, the day she passed they were not covering he case as all her symptoms had been controlled. Why, in heavens name, would I want anything that reminds me of her, and the prison she made for me, in my home? I know my thoughts are pretty disjointed here, but think you all can get the picture. They didnt need those pain meds, those just put them to sleep so they couldnt entertain her, keep her company. Im 51 years old. She says I never took her side. Best move Ever! My parents hated each other more than they loved their chidten. Comment: From Doug I have rebelled since childhood, never understanding why. As far as Im concerned, these people dont deserve me they deserve each other. I dont wish her dead any longer, in fact my goal now is make the best of what I can and hopefully grow and reach my potentials. I can not tell you how painful my life has been. Just blows my mind..because dealing with this is extremely difficult and sickening, yet when you set yourself free, life is good! No because of the cancer, not because of his illness, but because of who he is. I just moved back in with my 76 year old mother who is narcissistic. (Which she also complained about) -go firgure. He won't admit to being a POS so he made up running away from home like a freaking teenager so that we feel sorry for him instead of being upset. If You Wonder Whether You Are a Narcissist How a Narcissist Destroys a Person From the Inside Out. It appeared as if he was bipolar, schizophrenia because his personality around folks and personality at home differ so much. My daughter (like her father) is a full blow narc. A narcissistic person often continually invalidates other's feelings. Finally, she confessed that is she had her time over, she never would have had kids. And if they dont love themselves, they sure as H@ll dont love a disappointing POS like you. Both he and the GC had become unreliable sources of NS because they were so ill. Why wouldnt they just try harder to get well? Very emotional by nature, they can easily feel affected by the things that affect their children - if their child is hurting these dads will feel their pain more! He made a list. Still with things to learn I hope, but on my terms. He is not a bad person, but he is so self-centered that he is unable to see what harm he does to others. I just wish I would die. please excuse the long post. My narcissist dad was only acting like a parent when he felt like it. If youre the scapegoat youll remain the scapegoat unless you change the game and remove yourself from her wicked play. She then inhabited my sister from birth (like a great parasite) she lives through my sister who is the golden child & although the sister is in her 60s too, she behaves as if she has a divine right to everything she wants. I have won though. You ask me a question and I answer honestly. Prepare for a feast, and at the funeral tell everyone EXACTLY who she was. She never forced her husband into rehab either, and after he had a lung removed he continued to smoke I have endured Chrohns disease( repeated flares and surgery), chronic migraine, and now cancer (which I considered a vacation), she is slowly killing me. They pray that the clock will run out on this parent who has caused them emotional distress and intolerable pain since early childhood. Shes into the grandkids now. I cannot remember spending even 1 minute of quality time with her. I started recording our conversations and whatever as proof if I was to mention it to anyone. My ex and daughter (who is now 27 and the mother of my only two granddaughters) are both narcs. Any feedback would be appreciated. I was glad he was there and willing to be her NS in exchange for what he thought was a sure shot at the lions share of the spoils of the Will. There are many individuals who lead their lives in indefinite holding patterns in their relationships with narcissistsspouses, mothers, fathers. Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I just pulled the plug for good! Others are weakened. Let me be absolutely clear: no matter how absurd you know they (and the things they do and say) are, your MN will literally suck the life (and the will to live) out of you. She interfered with me having a normal healthy relationship with my dad, my siblings and my extended family. Let it go. Not happening. I always wished they would just kill each other and leave me in peace. But, I do believe there are two important things to consider. 24 hours go by and I file a missing person's report. Reading these comments makes me feel much better. GCs wife needed to ration the pain meds, like MNM did. I want the truth to come out but no one will beleive it. Do they love me? No, they dont, because they, sadly, dont love anyoneleast of all themselves. But the veil was finally lifted. MNM lost her composure when she realized F was dying. I now know I am not crazy or alone. I wonder if I will ever heal. She has destroyed everything I ever held dear, shes been into my son and grandchildren & my second daughter-in-law, they are all lost to me . all the adult children that actually feel some kind of sadness at the death of one of these monsters, is sad about an imaginary figure that never did, and never would have existed. I have heard from adult children of narcissists who insist on maintaining deeply painful relationships witha narcissistic mother or father because they fear being cut out of the will or estate. Yes, thats about where I am now. I didnt marry either one of them. I have to say, when I wrote my comment in 2014 I was 2 months away from having to move in full time and take care of my mother, to help my father, until last month. In the meantime my dad calls every single person he knows to say his last goodbye. No contact way to go! It's a stressful time for most, but what if that parent is narcissistic and consequently you don't have a strong emotional connection? And yes this is sadly the norm in divorce. For those who know, we understand how much you want the freedom, even when it sounds cruel or sick to say it. It is unfortunate that all my siblings are far flung. Know your personal worth and give yourself a high five! Peace. In the meantime, l keep myself busy with my career, my kids, my grand baby, praying daily, my garden, good books, ballroom dancing, and wine!! Just turned 49 and had a huge blow-out of all time with my N-mother. The juggling of resources and care includes the inevitable bouncing around of ambivalent emotions. My dad got an stroke at 65, today he is 81, I cant explain the destruction he has done to himself and his family. Of course Ill get screwed out of her estate just a legacy of pain and suffering. Keep going and move out ASAP. She cannot give up her control at 85. The family blamed me for living. Therefore, to me, looking for happiness seems shallow. And it is always a secret. Know that the N will pump your child for information: Does mommy yell at daddy? Youll just have to wait, that will teach you. She allowed my father and brothers to pick on me and tease me. In front of a judging public audience, Ns are often delightful, sassy, fun, salt-of-the-earth peoplebut behind closed doors, in their own bubble of reality, they are tyrants. I did everything rightfor awhile. My ex husband is a psychopath, I ran for my life from him and divorced him 6 months later, went 100% NC. Yes Im older, but I also know im a lot wiser, thank God. Anyways anyone else going through this live your life!!!! He was verbally abusive towards him for months until the friend told him he has to find a place to live because he can't take it anymore. So, for all of you out there who struggle with loved ones in your life that suffer with this personality disorder, dont let them make YOU suffer. Meanwhile, l lay around like a wounded puppy after her criticisms of me while l am always trying to please her! She is now 86 years old. Stress is a killer. NM has turned family and friends from all over the world against me. Three (3) years ago, I started becoming clear about what I wanted for myself emotionally , but was not fully free of my past with him in terms of knowing for sure he had some mental issues. Stay with us for continued resources. She hastened the death of my father who be became too ill to serve her purpose with neglect and negligence. I want to never talk to him or worry about him again. Just treat others with love I dont know what else to do now, Doug, Thank you. Your mother is exercising her rights to exclude anyone from her life for any reason she wants. Id rather look for peace. Why Is It So Hard to Leave the Narcissist in Your Life. Everyone loves him so much. Every time I am on the phone with him feels like torture. Life is hell for me! He used our sons funeral to further hurt and destroy me. when it was discovered the place was had been polluted for decades and every kid in town required blood tests, asked by the CCD to work for them, but turned it down and others, my last, a law firm where I started a filing, became paralegal and ripped through each dept., family law, criminal, wills, estate planning and real estate until becoming bankruptcy managerthis being my longest position, but I could never breakthrough a certain point because of the damage my mother had and continued to cause. I believe the answers lie within each individual and family circumstance and rely heavily on your own stage of recovery. My own children will never feel about me, the way I feel about mine. You have to suck it up and get out of bed and WANT to get better. But Linda is right, I am waiting for her to die and hoping she will go before my dad. The stress I caused him gave F cancer.) We JUST got to the store! I am not familiar with all the abbreviations. And my mom really isnt worth the time..I laugh at the thought of her going through horrible things now and I fear if I dont leave I will become a hollow shell . All of the above. I began to enjoy my meals more and began to gain some healthy weight (I needed to). Finally stepping out of the structure was described as being on the doorstep of the universe looking at our stunning world right in the face. Thats just today, of course, two months ago, I couldnt get her on the phone because she lost i! Only thing they know is how to be perverts. I am not making any decision for you. With me being available he has turned from allowing her demands, complete with temper tantrums that can go on for hours, to trust in me. He got a house, cars galore, a job he couldnt get fired fromno offense to him, but he was like the dog waiting under the table for the masters scraps to fallhe was going to get them first. I have seen too many instances in which it is those around themtheir children, siblings and spouses who fall ill and become very sick. My gdaughter is also being sexually abused by her father. I didnt mention something of the utmost importance in my last post: no matter who the N is in your family, do all you can to keep your children away from them. In the juggling of these intimate decisions, know that you really are not alone. But, I saw that coming decades ago. It is all so ugly and monstrous! It no longer has anything to do with tit for tat. They did not care about my parents issues, they cared about me. Suddenly, the child is eager to visit the N because it means a trip to get a new expensive toy that all the mean family members wont buyonly the N who loves the child the most buys them what they want. Full of poison and envy it took over. My boys are so lovely and supportive along with my husband. If you dont give your child pacifiers, formula, bottles, the N will. If you're a man who has an unfaithful Narcissistic partner, new research suggests a higher risk of prostate cancer from STDs. The struggle of resources being stretched in many directions is certainly a sign of the times. Why were they doing this to her? You have been through the narcissistic wars of childhood if you had these impossible parents and if you doubled down and married a narcissist, it is time to change this life pattern which isdeleterious to you. That was almost 15 years ago. Forget the Will, forget ever getting anything from this person. And that's what I say. Her other son who was never good enough became an alcoholic. The Cancer father characteristics show that he wants to be there for them when they need a hug, someone to confide in or simply just to celebrate the good times and build fond memories with. It was cancer of the blood and septicaemia got her in the end. I have a father that is a classic narcisist . I went LC with them until I turned 51 then I went NC with all of them. She will never give me that satisfaction. We are so disappointed with life. I read it cover to cover trying to figure out my Mother, (along with other family members,) I knew she had a personality disorder but which one? 6) If the child spends enough time with the N, KNOW that if the N disapproves of anything in your home [your spouse, your parenting choices, etc. To a child, the N seems MUCH more powerful and terrifying than you, and NOT telling is the childs way of not only protecting her/him self, but also protecting YOU (or whomever the N has threatened). The females were on their own from a very young age, the males were subject to leniency.